“There are no mistakes in life, only lessons” – Robin Norwood
I am a firm believer in following the guidance that comes through our experience, in both waking and dream states.
The Universe is always speaking to us, whether that be through others, a song on the radio or a recurring experience.
My experience has guided me to turn inward and learn the truth about who I am and what I want and need. Through my life, my relationships have been my greatest teachers, and I understand why.
While I am only 29 years old, I’ve had more relationships than some people have in their entire lives. Each one showing me more about myself and helping me to uncover my Truth.
Now, I am not saying that I have it all figured out, nor am I anywhere close to it. This is a lifelong journey after all. But after a lot of reflection, I will share what I know to be my Truth today, knowing that it may change tomorrow.
After the end of yet another amazing learning experience in love, I am heartbroken and it feels like a part of me has died… because it has. But what I’ve realized is that I am actually grieving the loss of an identity. I am experiencing a serious case of Ego death.
I am grieving the loss of our relationship as it was, as ‘boyfriend and girlfriend’. I am grieving the loss of being ‘his’, and he ‘mine’. I am grieving the loss of the comfort and predictability that being in a traditional relationship brings.
Here, yet again, I am reminded of a Truth that has slowly been revealing itself to me through the loves and losses of the past. A Truth that each relationship has tested me on, again and again.
And here it is…
I am not made to fit into the traditional female role in a relationship. I am not meant to be someone’s girlfriend or wife.
No matter how many times I’ve tried to make myself fit into this box, it just doesn’t work. It doesn’t feel right.
Traditional relationships always seem to have this unavoidable push or emphasis on the future and building a life together. One may say this is the result of deeply ingrained social programming, the same one that says we ‘should’ have a university degree, then a corporate job, wife, baby, white picket fence, dog and so on. While I may have nodded my head in agreement and even got carried away with making future plans myself, if I am really honest with myself, it’s never felt right.
Who are we to pretend like we can tell the future? Truth changes, moment by moment, day by day.
While a part of me feels relieved, sharing this truth with you, another part of me is saddened- which is likely the reason why I have tried to make it fit so many times. I didn’t want to let the idea go. It’s sad to think that I may never have the fairytale ending… but is that really the end anyways?
As I have said before, Truth is undeniable and non-negotiable. So to try and run and hide, or go on pretending like we don’t know, is only to cause inevitable pain and suffering.
This Truth is unique to me and may be difficult for you to understand, but that is okay too. I’m not suggesting that this is the way because there are many. It is as uncomfortable for me to write as it is for you to read, but hey, that’s where the real growth happens, right?
Those ‘love drugs’ sure do make us do crazy things… like compromise ourselves, our Truth and our Spirit. Much of the suffering that I have experienced in my life stems from trying to will my heart and being into following suit with my Ego’s desires.
For a long time, I thought that I wanted a big strong man to scoop me up, move me out of the city and take care of me for the rest of my life… but when I came anywhere close to that, my insides started screaming and I became an anxious, neurotic mess.
I didn’t know it at the time, but what I was experiencing was an inner conflict. I was trapped in a raging war between head (ego) and heart (soul)… and let me tell you, that is a feeling that I do not wish on anyone.
I have since let that all go and what I’ve realized is how much I truly value my serenity, freedom and solitude.
I know what you’re thinking… so what does this all mean?
Well… nothing definitive, because I have learned better than to say ‘never’, as doing so would only put me in yet another box to break out of.
And, you will ask: so what’s your relationship status? And, I will answer: I am sovereign, I am my own authority and right now, that’s what feels good.
Does this mean that I am a prude, spinster that will spend life alone? Hell no.
One thing is for sure: I am committed to my personal TRUTH, no matter where that takes me.
I am FREE and at this point, I think it’s best to leave it at that…
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